November 18th, 2008 by Heidi
Today begins a 3 day long journey to hell. As much as I try to have a positive outlook, there really is nothing positive about having a scope shoved up your backside so doctors can take pictures and foretell the future. I really have no desire to have my future based on what comes out of my ass thank you very much. But sadly, I suppose that’s just the way it’s going to be.
Wednesday will be my second colonoscopy. I had the first one when I was a mere 14 years old. Really, that’s no way to spend your teenage years! But being diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease when I was 11, I suppose it was inevitable. I have been putting off this second scope for a very long time. Really, once you’ve had one, you really have no desire to have another. It’s not something you go begging your doctor for. Coincidentally, I did beg my doctors for a second bowel surgery to relieve the pain. Ironic, huh? But that worked. And the only thing in the back of my mind is that having this scope is going take all that is blissful right now – right out of my life.
I had my second bowel resection in 1997, just 11 years and 2 months ago. I followed up with my doctors and took my meds for another 6 months. And even though they wanted me to stay on meds after that, I quit. I was so over popping 24 pills a day and I refused to live any more of my life that way. And it’s been 11 years and 2 months of totally unmedicated, no doctor seeing, complete remission. So what if I spend more time in the bathroom than the average person, or that salad makes a faster exit than entrance, or that I don’t gain more than a pound or two when most gain 10 or 20. To not be dealing with that pain and suffering every day of my life has been so worth it. And I’ve moved on from being a ‘Crohn’s patient.’ I’m not that person. I only think about Crohn’s when I have to tell other people about it. Or when I get so sickeand tired of people telling me how skinny I am and how lucky I am that I don’t gain weight. Well ya know what, I earned that! I suffered my teenage years away and I went through 2 horrible surgeries in the middle of all of that and I put my parents through hell. The least I can appreciate is having a small waist from not absorbing most of my food or nutrients. It all has it’s downsides, believe me.
So my theory is to not mess with it. I feel fine, I’m doing fine, I’m living fine. I’m so fine that I don’t FEEL like a Crohn’s patient anymore. I am so thankful that my disease is so mild compared to so many others. I am so fortunate. And it’s not broken. My guts function a bit different than they used to but I’m used to them. It has been 23 years after all. I hardly remember what a day without diarrhea is like. But my doctor has different ideas. She says that it’s been 20 years since my last scope and they NEED to take a look in there since I’m at increased risk for colon cancer and polyps. I know this. I have known this. But going through that horrible situation again is just not appealing. I told her she was going to have to make me do it. And she did. And at first, I was sort of ok with it. I was having the usual dreadful feelings but that has now changed.
Yesterday was day 1 – a low fiber diet. That’s no big deal – at least I thought. I eat pretty low fiber to begin with but I do love fresh fruit. I know it goes right through but I eat it anyway. I was cutting apples for the boys and almost took a big ole bite for myself and caught myself just as my tongue touched the edge. dang it. Then today – day 2 – same low fiber diet – the kids were eating these really huge and sweet holiday grapes. I was drooling. Just the idea that I CAN’T have them makes me crave them. The additional fun today was having to take laxatives to get things out of me. For someone who is never constipated, there is big fear when taking laxatives. I can almost imagine my guts turning inside out on each other because there is just nothing in there. And that package says it will take effect in 6-8 hours. Yeah right – not when you have 21 inches less of intestine with little absorption! One hour – tops. So I’m downing the water and trying to ignore the mild gut ache as I type. I have 1.5 hours left to put any food in me. The sucky thing is that I’m not hungry – I ate enough dinner [mmmm, pancakes]. But if I don’t eat – will I be STARVING? Or will it be helpful not having anything else in my guts to clean out? That won’t matter much, tomorrow, day 3, is liquid only. Broth, water, juice, jello. Oh yeah, sounds like a great time! Prepare for me to get crabby and full of attitude. I do not anticipate tomorrow being a great day at all. Well hey, maybe I’ll drop those 5 pounds I’ve been working on for awhile now.
As the inevitable is looming – I fear that salty mixture that I’ll have to drink tomorrow night. Sure beats an enema but really, tasting that stuff is horrid. I still cannot eat cherry jello – and it’s been 20 years since they mixed that stuff together and forced it down me. I will forever have those horrid memories. And all these years later, I’ve only thought about that time in joking ways. But tonight, I can almost taste it all over again. I can feel that pain in my guts and the desire to never need to go to the bathroom again because in one night, I’ll have gone enough for a whole year, despite not eating for hours and hours. I’m having surgery flashbacks and blockages flashbacks and the sounds of a hospital at 2 am has been ringing in my ears.
I know this is a procedure. A quick – even though humiliating – procedure. It’s for a good reason. But right now, it’s putting me in high anxiety mode. I have left this life behind me. The life that had me wondering if every little gurgle was something to be worried about, something that might double me over and have me rushing to the ER. That same pain that was only helped by a shot of morphine and at 21 years old was thought of as a drug seeker. If they only knew how badly I’d trade those drugs for healthy gut in a second.
And while the memories of Demerol and Darvocet allergic reactions and an NG tub sucking the life right out of me for days on end and the smell of McDonald’s while I was unable to eat for 7 days post op lingers in my head tonight – there is a greater fear.
There is the fear that a nasty little scope just might find something up in there that will take my happy Crohn’s free life away from me. Or that not leaving well enough alone will cause some sort of problem that I don’t have right now. And while I’ll never forget doctors telling my parents I was near intestinal rupture an death before my first surgery, I don’t have that fear for a scope. But anesthetics and sedatives and tests stir up things inside of me that just aren’t necessary. I’m good. I don’t feel like this is being proactive. My mom sure does. I guess she survived this last year but she didn’t have intestinal history like I have.
I know that I shouldn’t psych myself out. But this is easier said than done. Nobody that I know has lived this life. They’ve not felt my pain. They have no idea what this does inside my head. All the stuff it stirs up. But I’m going through with it. But I’ll be damned if I do this again in my next 20 years!
So for everyone who has ever asked or wondered, I’m good. I’m so good that I don’t feel like I need this scope. I’ve beat the odds that most people don’t. I live a really normal life. I just hope that the little camera finds nothing on Wednesday morning and I can move on from this trauma in my head and get back to normal. My normal. My life.
