October 18th, 2008 by Heidi

Where I’m so tired that I feel like I could crash in a narcoleptic minute but my head and my heart and dreams don’t allow it. I’m beyond the point of exhaustion and my head is spinning at least 100mph and I have these words stuck in my head.

Put off the mail and I
Left on a light and I
Locked up the house and I
Jumped on a flight and I’m
Still by myself but I’m
Thinking more clear if I’m
Gonna be down, Gonna be down way down here

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows
That you’re not in my life anymore
And no one can tell the salt water from my tears
No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves
Ain’t gonna wash your memory away
But there’s a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier
If I’m gonna be down, I’m gonna be down way down here

Untied my lines and I
Slid through the sound and I
Mixed me a drink now I
Sit on the bow and I’m
Watching the sun just like you’ll disappear
If I’m gonna be down, I’m gonna be down way down here

Where no one will ask cause nobody knows
That you’re not in my life anymore
And no one can tell the salt water from my tears
No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves
Ain’t gonna wash your memory away
But there’s a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier
And if I’m gonna be down, I’m gonna be down way down here

No the pull of the tide or the crash of the waves
Ain’t gonna wash your memory away
But there’s a beautiful view of the end of the world from the pier
And if I’m gonna be down, I’m gonna be down
If I’m gonna be down, I’d rather be down way down here
Way down here

If you want me back now
I can be found
Way down here
If I’m gonna be down
If I’m gonna be down
Way down here

Way Down Here ~ Kenny Chesney

I bought Kenny’s new album [Lucky Old Sun] yesterday. I knew I’d love it before I bought it because I love everything he sings. This album is no exception and this song is on constant repeat.

For awhile now I’ve had a very strong pull towards the ocean. I’ve never been there, have only seen it on TV and in pictures. But listening to this music  while I close my eyes, I’m right there. I can smell it and feel it and I want to be in it. I want to lay on the beach and soak up the sun and life a carefree life in beautiful scenery. I want to photograph the islands and be a beach bum. This music does that for me, even while huddled under blankets in the dead of January in North Dakota.

And this song. If it doesn’t say the things I’m feeling right now. Only I’m not there, but I want to be there. I want to run away from it all and escape to a place that I love in my heart to take the time to clear my head and put it back on straight – to find myself within all this crazy life. I’m in there somewhere. With my toes in the sand and the sun on my face, I’ll make it.

And then I want to share it. I want that space to be ours, to experience and share together.

So it’s nights like these that I’m wide awake and spinning 100mph and wishing I could be laying on the each on some far away island with Kenny Chesney playing in my ear all day.   I want the hurt to be washed away and the sunrise to break a new day, a better day. A day full of love, peace, and happiness, and all the serenity a person can need. I definitely need the serenity.

October 14th, 2008 by Heidi

I’m not feeling very work productive lately so I’m playing catch up on some personal images. Be warned, many more to come.

This is my Jelliebeanie – we call her ‘Super Jelliebeanie’ because she likes to lay on the back of the couch with her front legs all stretched out like she’s flying!

It’s fall up here in the north. It sure arrived in a hurry. My gorgeous and most favoritest maple tree when from green to yellow in no time. The only red it got this year was the tip of one branch.

and now the leaves are falling like crazy – the deck is covered with leaves from the neighbor’s tree – and are extra pretty when it rains.

On Sunday, Hannah and I tried to get out in between rain falls to take some neat fall pictures in the park. Only it started POURING when we got 2 blocks from home but we thought it would ease up and we decided to drive down there anyway and check it out. It was pouring so hard and we were driving up near the cemetary and I was just telling Hannah how we should drive through sometime and see if there were any cool statue headstones because I think they are really neat. We turned. We couldn’t get out and photograph [not that there really was anything unique anyway] so we just drove and talked – until we came upon these critters trying to stay dry… [taken from the truck with the window rolled down]

We didn’t get to shoot much at the park, mostly just out the window. But we did get out and look around and play around some. I think Hannah was not amused… [with some funky processing I was playing around with]

And a little Life In The Rear View

But the view I was wanting to get, one of my favorites, is right here. We ran into the rain, it was pouring, with my cam under my sweatshirt only taken out for one quick shot, then we ran back to the truck. I love this -

I have so many more pictures that I need to post. It’s been a busy time for me and blogging has taken a backseat. I need catching up for therapy right now. More coming soon.

October 13th, 2008 by Heidi

But it sure is cozy!

Look at that sweet face.

I should have trusted my instincts this morning. When I snuggled up to Dillan I thought he felt a little fevery but second guessed myself because I was cold. I left him at school anyway. At 11am his teacher called and said he had been crying most the morning and complained of a sore throat despite his temperature being normal. I went to pick him up since she and I both agreed that he just wasn’t going to have a very productive day. And it’s a good thing I did. He came right home and laid down on the couch and within 5-10 minutes he was sound asleep. He slept about 30 minutes and woke up with a 103.7* temperature. I put some Tylenol in and hoped it would knock down in a hurry. He wanted out of his pants and long sleeved shirt. I took a few minutes to call Ask-A-Nurse to see what was going around, what I should be looking out for, and if there was a certain temperature to bring him in regardless of any other symptoms. She said 105*! Wow, I can’t even imagine. I thought 103.7 was high! The Tylenol has worked, though he’s almost due again, and he’s napped a second time, had a popsicle and some water. We’ll see how he feels in the morning to decide about going to the doctor for a strep test or not.

The furr babies just know when there is some cozying to be done. They take their job very seriously!

October 11th, 2008 by Heidi

Normally, I love grocery shopping. There is so much yummy and possibilty for yummy all under one big roof. For someone who really loves food, this is an exciting place. I find it relaxing to shop and decide what to fill my tummy with.

But lately, it’s torture. We’re trying to eat healthier and smart while still keeping to a budget. But all of the healthy food costs so much more than it did just a couple months ago. All of the produce is insane right now. It’s out of season for one thing but with the crappy economy, the good stuff is outrageous.

I made the mistake of just grabbing a bag of Jonathan apples. Some of my very all time favorites and worth a little splurge once a year.  Little did I know that my 4 pound bag of sweetness would total just over $12!! We love the apples and eat the apples so it’s not wasted money, it’s just insane.

And the Kentucky Fried Chicken $10 challenge is so true! [click on View Latest TV Commercial] It really is cheaper to hit the drive-thru than it is to cook from scratch these days. But man, that’s so unhealthy.

I’ve had to switch to frozen veggies instead of fresh for some things. It’s not right to feel like I need to limit the amount of fruit in the house. The food that is affordable, is crap. Sure, it’s super tastey [well, some of it] but it’s just not healthy to eat all the time. We put in our share of junk food from time to time that having it at meal time is just wrong.

I already shop sale items and with coupons but I don’t know how to keep up with the rise in food costs and still have a healthy meal. I hope things settle down before too long or our gym membership will be pointless while all we do is bust off all the extra calories that we were forced to take in due to food budget.

And also – hey everyone who works at the deli counter – why is it ALWAYS such a chore to slice my swiss cheese thinly? Your typical setting is too thick for my taste. The lady today actually told me that they can’t slice it any thinner, it will fall apart. Seriously? I ALWAYS get it sliced thinner, it never falls apart, but yes, it takes 2 extra minutes for you to slice it than to pull out the prepackaged stuff you already have. Then she told me “whatever you want, you can have, but it will fall apart.” Darn right deli lady. I’m never rude to them, I just don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.

And while I’m at it – why do the people in the checkout line behind me ALWAYS have to cram right up next to me while I’m paying? I don’t look at your checkbook or in your purse or scope otu what card you’re using. What happened to personal space? I always make sure that my cart is between me and the person infront of me to give them their personal space and to keep my kids from getting up in their business. Sometimes I just want to growl at them and tell them to back off.

But I still love my grocery store. I travel across town to get to it despite there being 2 other stores within a fwe blocks of me. It’s because I love that store so much. And I love food. And it’s a happy place. Now if the prices would only drop a bit so sustaining life could be healthy and affordable.

October 9th, 2008 by Heidi

Spirit week is always a fun time! Today is 80’s day and Hannah went all out. It’s funny to me how she keeps saying how ‘horrible’ or how ’scary’ the 80’s fashion is but at the same time loving what she’s got on and putting in full effort to completely be the part. She wouldn’t let me touch her hair though – that’s where I totally could have had some fun. My kids never let ME have any fun.

What’s scary to me is how the shirt and the leggings were readily available in just about any store we walked into. On the wall hung sweater dresses and there was spandex and big belts and bold colors all over the place. I almost had a retro seizure! I had fun in the 80’s. We loved what we wore, we were so carefree, and seriously – the music still rates among my favorites. But in 2008, the bright colors and spandex are very scary. But seeing my girl all decked out this morning – it sent me back to a happy place.

I have to add a disclaimer to my own photos which I normally don’t do because pictures are pictures and not everything has to be technically high standard for me [even though I always try]. There really was no good light at 7:45am. The whole picture is tweaked after the fact so the grain came out even more. My camera almost wanted not take the picture knowing I was pushing it’s limits to get a halfway decent shot.  Still fun though!

October 9th, 2008 by Heidi

If only my brain could make that connection.

Almost every day since I got my hair cut, I unconsciously dump a ton of conditioner in my hand while in the shower. Then just as the glop makes contact with my head, the ding ding ding ding goes off. I no longer need that 2 tons of daily conditioner to get a comb through my hair. A little dab will do. But of course it’s too late and I have to try to suck some of it back into the conditioner bottle. The stuff isn’t cheap!

I have no problem with the shampoo – I squeeze just the right amount. But the hair cut connection has not been connected when in just 3 minutes later it comes to conditioner time.
I suppose by the time I get it right, the hair will be long again and I’ll need that big glob.

October 6th, 2008 by Heidi

While most of my life and my day to day is an open book, there is plenty that I keep to myself. There are things that I just don’t feel like sharing or rehashing or that I don’t yet feel comfortable talking about in public. We all have our reasons for hole-ing up at times, right?

Today is that day. I feel like if I talked about things – I would feel better. But talking about them just makes my anxiety amp up more than it already is and makes my tummy do flip flops.  Today is the kind of day that I wish I could just run away from it all and start over.

Nobody’s perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Mine came about 9 years ago and won’t be out of my life for another 13 or so and every day is a crappy reminder in some way or another. Not that every day is bad, there is just always something – big or subtle – that gives me the ‘oh damn’ feeling.

There are ways to get out of this but finding the time and the money and the desire to put myself through all of that – I’m not sure if I’m that strong person. I keep trying. I get a little closer all the time. But I can’t seem to push myself over that edge and take the leap with no looking back.

And days like today – it gets the best of me. I’ve not gotten a darn thing done today. I’m trying, but my focus just isn’t there. And just when I think I’ve calmed myself down, the anxiety amps back up again.

Just  a couple more hours and I suppose today will take a turn, at least for the rest of the day. I never know what to expect tomorrow. Fear of the unknown. I have that one down to a science.

October 5th, 2008 by Heidi

It’s 7am. I’ve been awake for an hour. This is my favorite time of day. The house is silent besides my keyboard clicking the purring of my kitties next to me. The dogs didn’t even wiggle when I got out of the bed – they enjoy their weekend sleeping in, too.

Up here in the north, it’s still quite black outside. I’m thinking that’s due to clouds today though – we have a storm coming in. But it adds to the peacefulness in here. Everyone else is still sleeping. I’m alone with my computer and my thoughts.

*HA!! until I rest my hand on the laptop wrong and it made this horrendous and loud noise because I rested on the touch pad!! – Fat Hazel took off like a bolt of lightening and I’m sure the rest of the house will be up in no time! I crack myself up!*

So anyway, I love the quiet. I love the time that I get to myself to just do my own thing. I don’t feel rushed or that I should be cleaning the house instead of computering. I don’t hear ‘Mom, can I…’ every other second. I just hear the clickity click click of my own typing or the total silence as I just catch up on some online reading.

Well, my little goof woke up the animal kingdom – they’re all over me. So much for my quiet time today. At least they keep me good company and my feet warm!

October 1st, 2008 by Heidi

I’m working, enjoying my morning cocoa, and Dillan is across from me having his cereal. He drinks down his milk then lets out a burp.

And then he announces, “I can make myself burp.” He then made that very weird throat noise, and did just what he said he would, he burped.

Ahhh, just like mama. I remember when I learned that I could do this, and then I did it a lot. And even now, as gross as it may be, I find it hard to resist a really boisterous belch – especially after a gulp of Pepsi.

It’s the little things that makes a mama proud.

October 1st, 2008 by Heidi

I have been meaning to write this for some time now. I get things all thought out in my head but never sit down to type it. I had thought that I would FOR SURE sometime today but now that my mouse decided to poop out on me all together this morning, now is the best time since I can’t edit images. So here I type.

It’s no secret that I’m a computer addict. I love the internet and all that it offers and all that I can do with it. I don’t own a map, or use the phonebook, dictionary, encylopedia, or a newspaper. I use the internet. I have answers in seconds and websites with more information than I could have found in any of those other references. Wow, life got easy!

And there are social networking services. Facebook. Ahhh Facebook. I love that I can keep up with new friends but even more, I love that I can get in contact with old friends. We moved around a lot while I was a kid and keeping up with friends got hard. We lost contact. I’ve often wondered how friends were doing, what have they done with their lives, who have they married and how are their kids. Facebook has helped me reconnect with these people that I’d likely never be able to track down any other way. I’ve run down memory lane so much in the past few months and have been so thankful that I’ve had that opportunity. I’ve met people from all around the world – people I’d never have met without the net. People that mean a lot to me and who have become my closest friends. These people who I look forward to reading about and chatting with every day.

And recently, I went Googling. I wanted to look for a friend that I had a falling out with a few years ago and get back in touch. We all change over the years and this was clearly one of those times that I could make up for lost time, if only I could find her. And I did. It wasn’t hard, just a little typity type type and the information that I needed was right there. I sent an email, since calling would have been very awkward at the time, and heard back within just a few days. Funny how she said she had been wondering about me too. After a little catching up, we seemed to pick right back up where we left off all those years ago. We last talked when Hannah was just 5. She’s now on the verge of 14. And yesterday, we got together in person. It was so nice to be back in that place with a friend that I had missed. I know that we won’t lose touch again.

While most of the time the internet is a time suck, the rest of the time it keeps me close to my friends. Blogs, journals, Facebook, forums – they all have their special place in my life. I’m not quite sure I’d be the kind of person I am today without it. I’ve learned so much about myself and parenting and photography just from click click clicking. Everything is right here, in my living room and at my fingertips – literally. And I can share my life, my thoughts and my feelings and my photos. I do my business advertising and networking here.

Thank you Facebook for being so easy to reconnect with old friends. Thank you Google for being so easy for everything. My life is changed because of both of you.