June 29th, 2008 by Heidi

For as long as I can remember, I have loved horses, all kinds. Doesn’t every little girl? There were those years that I felt like my whole world was centered around four legged grace, blessed with a flowing mane and tail. I was always envious of my friends who could open their back doors, walk to the barn, saddle up and ride all day long – no cares in the world. When I could, I’d ride with them, too. Other times I read books about horses, watched movies and daydreamed. I bought magazines and taught myself all that I could learn with the hopes that someday, I’d have a horse of my own.

And one day, that dream came true. I was given a horse through the 4-H program. I was able to show that he would be the center of my world and I’d love him for always. I named him ‘Romeo’, because he was my love, even before I met him face to face.

He was so handsome, flea-bitten grey with a ratty mane and tail. He looked like he had been through the ringer but it didn’t take long before he was as gorgeous as he could be. I cared for him every day. I did his daily care and I rode him every free minute that I could. We bonded. He understood me like nobody else could, or would. Nobody else understood him either. They thought he was a bit tempermental and unruly. And while I agreed, I thought he was perfect and unpredictable. He listened to me and loved me back just the same as I loved him. Even those weeks when I was too ill to ride, I sat on the bales of straw next to his stall and just hung out with him. And I daydreamed about the forever after that I wanted for my life. I wanted that freedom to just open my back door, walk to the barn, saddle up and ride all day long – no cares in the world.

The first day of school my senior year we had to write a short essay about what would we be doing in 10 years. It was not a hard question for me. I answered it the same way I had answered it all my childhood days. I’d be living on a ranch and raising horses. If I was really lucky, I’d be barrel racing around the country. Little did I pay attention to just a few months before when I sold my horses to get away from a life I wasn’t happy with and to try on something new. Even though it broke my heart, I always thought that I’d one day find myself back in the horse world and make it up to myself. Sadly, that’s where my horse life stopped. It halted so fast, I was bucked off.

Now, 16 years later, I feel so derailed. My niece, Lily, is taking riding lessons. I’m so envious of her. And I’m so proud that she loves every minute of it. Hearing her excitement and accomplishments has made me feel like I was 13 years old again and riding my own horse for the very first time. And all I can think about is horses. How I miss riding and that carefree feeling that only being on horseback can bring. I miss laying in the field of high grasses with Romeo eating around me and us being the best of friends. He got me through some really rough times and made them so much better.

And today I’m just a little bit sad anyway. There are days that life seems so hard and not really fulfilled in the way that I had wanted it to be. For months now, the movie ‘Flicka’ has been saved on my DVR. I’ve wanted to watch it but have been putting it off, knowing that it would be one of those movies that’s hard for me to watch. Today was the day to watch it. And I cried the entire time. Partially for the story but mostly for the life that I wanted that never got – that big Quarter Horse ranch, the rolling hills to ride through, raising my kids around horses. Katy says, “It’s ok dad, you can shoot us.” And I lost it. That’s so how I feel – that when I let go of my horses I also let go a big part of me. And there’s that strong feeling that I’ll never get it back, either. And not for a lack of wanting, it’s just the road I’ve taken, not always by choice, but by necessity.

I’m a mom of three, a photographer, and living the city life. The city life has never felt quite right. It’s convenient, but it’s not cozy, or fresh. I don’t have the means to follow that dream of owning a big ranch and raising foals. I have too many other responsibilities to try and make it work for me.

And I wonder if my life has gone all wrong or if that wonderful time of my life and all that daydreaming was only meant to be for a short time. But it feels so torturous. I feel so trapped. I’m not unhappy with my life, I just don’t feel fulfilled. I want something more. I want horses. I want to feel that warm muzzle on my cheek and wake p to whinnying in the field. I want my kids to ride the same way I did. I want to shovel stalls and spend hours braiding tails. I loved strapping on a bridle and swinging my leg over and going for a bareback ride for hours. I enjoyed that solitude and time to clear my head. I remember the days of only wanting to go riding. I didn’t care that I neglected my friends or family, horses were my life. I want to never forget what it all feels like.

Watching the movie made the tears flow and the feelings raw. I’m back to daydreaming about that wide open green field with the setting sun all viewed from atop a horse. It made me want that life back. It made me wonder if I have taken the wrong road or if I’m just on a long detour. It’s made me question my destiny. Do I have one?  It made me sad inside and out. And also, it made me miss my dad.

June 25th, 2008 by Heidi

He really is just the cutest, isn’t he? I have a hard time saying that since Ruby is my first Corgi love. She’s just as cute in her own way. But being a Corgi runt, she’s a bit bowlegged and much more slender and petite than she should be. Casey, he’s Corgi perfection. They both lay like this all the time. It cracks me up so much. They just flop down and spread out, they don’t even think about it. It’s just the Corgi way. Just look at those toes!

June 23rd, 2008 by Heidi

There is no shortage of animals in this house. Would you expect anything less behind my front door? I’d collect even more if I could. But just the other day James said to me, “NO MORE PETS!” Understandably so, we had just desexed our 4th pet in a year and a half! These critters definitely are an investment – too bad they aren’t a write off.

Yes, the animals outnumber the people in this house. 2 crazy Corgis and 4 fluffy kitties. They each have such distinct and different personalities. Maybe I’m the crazy one but I can tell who is meowing or barking even if I can’t see them. And most of the time, I know what they’re doing even if I can’t see them. I guess that’s my mothering instinct. The best part about that is that because I know them so well, they love me best. That’s good, because I feed them too. And if they didn’t like me best, they might not get fed. Kidding!

With so many animals roaming around, I’m rarely lost of photographic material. I take at least one picture every day but sometimes I take hundreds in a day. And more often than not, there are animals in there. So I thought I would share a bunch of those and title them Corgi Fix and Kitty Fix. Because let’s be honest, you really can’t ever go wrong with pictures of animals. Everyone always wants to see the kids and the animals. No promises for a daily posting but at least a few times a week I’m sure. And when you don’t get enough Corgi and Kitty, you’ll be begging for a fix!

So here are today’s pictures combined into one entry. – This morning Millie ws sitting in the kitchen window. I originally went for the silhouette but that didn’t go over so well. But I managed to catch her in all her cuteness anyway.  And Casey went bobbing for ice in the water dish. Yes, he puts his nose all the way in – see those bubbles?!

June 21st, 2008 by Heidi

Whenever Dillan is talking about his favorite things he calls them his ‘best’. We have all taken to calling things our ‘best’ just to be cute like Dillan. But in this case, it’s the truth. These three are my very best. They are the best parts of me, inside and out. I’m not quite sure what life would be like without them. I love them so much.

But there is sadness in this picture. This was taken last week just before I left for Texas and the day that Hannah left to spend 6 weeks with her dad. It’s the last time all three of my kids will be together until the end of July. This is the hardest part about being a single mom – letting the kids go for so long at a time and breaking up our routine. I miss Hannah so much. She’s such a joy. And the boys have spent the better part of the past week and a half with their dad. They’re out camping now which is so fun for them. And while I enjoy the quiet around here, I miss their voices and their giggles.

I’m really looking forward to when they are all back here again! My bests.

June 21st, 2008 by Heidi

I’ve been home for a few days now. The workshop was so intense and fullfilling that I needed a few days to decompress and to sort through all of my pictures and information and get myself back on track.  I took a lot of pictures but have only a few favorites to share. I learned so much. I feel like a renewed photographer. I’ve instantly implemented new techniques and ideas and there are more that will be incorporated over time. I’m so thankful for winning that scholarship for the tuition but the whole workshop was definitely worth every penny I would have paid.  And getting out of North Dakota and spending some time in Texas was pretty fun. It was more than 95 degrees most days which was a bit shocking since I came from 50s and rain. But the warm sun felt so good.

My plane left so darn early on Thursday and I arrived in Denver before I would normally even be awake. I met up with my friend and fellow photographer, Laurie, and we went on to Austin together. It was a bumpy flight up and out of Denver and I didn’t get a good peek at the mountains but managed this shot – just barely.

The wide open spaces were spectacular, much different than the North Dakota wide open spaces. And in Texas, the wide open spaces have Longhorns in them!  The night photography was some of my favorite and I got some really cool shots from that. And some cute kids of course. There are no geckos in North Dakota either. They like the blistering heat in Texas.

I’m glad to be home but part of me really misses hanging with my friends and geeking out on photography for 4 straight days. It was a much needed trip for myself but for my photography as well.

June 12th, 2008 by Heidi

The nice thing about having a laptop is that I have access to the net almost anywhere I go. This really helps to pass the time and it keeps me connected to the things I enjoy. It also enables me to update with some pictures and commentary, too.

I’m currently in the airport in Fargo waiting for my flight to Texas. In february, i won a drawing to attend a photography workshop in Texas. And the time is now! I’m really excited. I’m meeting up with two friends and we’ll have a great time and learn a lot! I hope to be able to share some photos during my trip. Not sure how much I’ll get out to shoot but I’d like to get some.

I’ve never been to Texas before. I’m not quite sure what to expect. Besides heat that is. The forcast for the entire weekend is to be in the 90’s. It’s been in the 60’s and rainy in Fargo for the past several days. I’m not sure I’m ready for this!

So in all my computer geekiness, I’ll be able to check my mail every day and will update my Twittering, over there in the sidebar,  when I can so you can see what I’m up to.

They’re calling for my flight - I better go!

June 9th, 2008 by Heidi

My nephew, Jacob, turns 12 years old today. I was there the day he was born, and for the few days after. I paced with him through the early hours those first days while he had an upset tummy so mom and dad could sleep. He was just so tiny. And now he’s so grown. And what a great kid, so smart and creative. We talked today for a little while, I need to call him more. Even though he was just here a month ago, I didn’t take any pictures! That’s a bit unreal to me but I have nothing recent of him to show. Here’s one from when we visted him in South Dakota last May. He must have been mid-sentence because he doesn’t normally look like that!

Happy Birthday Jake!!

June 9th, 2008 by Heidi

Last week we bought a trampoline. It’s not the most attractive of lawn ornaments but it sure is fun! The kids have been wanting one for some time now and finally we gave in. But it’s so worth it. Maybe not the part about having all of the neighborhood kids in the yard and all wanting a turn all day every day since we got it. But it’s fun. They have all enjoyed it. My kids are daredevils. They’re doing flips and turns and crazy tricks. They’re constantly creating new games to play.

And who would have thought that something that seems so easy is really so hard on a body? At least on this 34 year old body. My legs get sore and my back and my head feels like it’s been jostled for weeks. But my hope is that all that jumping reverses the effects of gravity on my rear end adn actually puts it back where it belongs! Andit’s not like I’m out of shape. I’m not in great shape but I do what I can. I mentally attend the gym more than I physically attend but some is better than none. But the trampoline, it really whips me into shape, or proves to me how old I’m getting.

Here’s a few pictures to show the fun we’ve been having!

June 3rd, 2008 by Heidi

It rained all day today. In fact, it’s been raining since Sunday night. It’s gloomy and cold and definitely wet. The kids are cooped up and it shows. I think they are tired of not doing much. I managed to send them outside for a little while today when there was a break in the rain and I think that helped. The dogs, they’re at each other too and running around here like maniacs. This kind of weather isn’t any good for any of us. This is definitely not a very fun way to start summer vacation. They’re all anxious to set up the pool but as long as this keeps up, the pool stays put away.

It was one of those days that it wasn’t much fun to be a parent. There was constant boredom, frequent arguing and wrestling, plenty of attitudes, and even some whining. I understand their frustrations, I have them too, but really, it was no excuse for what I had to go through. I think we decided that time-outs aren’t very effective. We might change punishment to added chores instead. I have some ideas.

It turns out that we did a whole lot of nothing today. Connor and Dillan stayed in their PJ’s most of the day, until I sent them outside. Hannah never got out of hers. She didn’t feel so well so I let her. I wish I would have stayed in mine also.

We had some yummy spaghetti for dinner and some root beer floats for dessert. That’s a pretty good way to finish off an otherwise very blah day.

Dillan wanted a haircut just like James’. It seems simple enough. After all, James does his own hair. I knew to leave the guard on and I left it longer initially since I remember hearing that you can always go shorter but you can’t go longer once you’ve clipped. I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself!

I really hope that tomorrow isn’t as rainy. I know the forcast predicts rain for the next several days but some break in between would be nice. I can’t have house full of cooped up kids and dogs much longer.  I think I need to devise some projects to keep us all busy.

June 2nd, 2008 by Heidi

Connor’s tooth has been a wiggly mess for a couple weeks now. As much as I love that my kids are hitting some milestones and loving every minute of the fun of it, I have to admit that I’m a bit grossed out. The empty hole where a tooth once was does not bother me at all. But that look and feel and sound of a wiggly tooth, it makes me want to lose my lunch. It’s hard when Connor asked for me to try to get it out. Part of me was anxious to get that sucker out of there. The other part of me nauseated at the thought of that thing dangling in there and having to pull it out. But it took minimal effort and out it came! Connor was just thrilled! Into a plastic baggy and under the pillow it went! Two down, way to many to go!